Greetings, people of Earth! I have made some stray observations recently and I feel that Earth is letting us all down in our heartfelt attempts at being good sitissenz. To help us all out, I will be creating this guyd which I hope will clear up some gray areas where some of us seem to be living.
HOW TO WALK
Step 1: Move feet.
Step 2: Maintain a consistent pace.
Step 3: Keep head up.
Step 4: Look out for others.
Step 5: Stop being a retard.
HOW TO NOT TALK IN A MOVIE THEATRE
Step 1: Close mouth.
Step 2: Stop being a retard.
HOW TO MERGE
Step 1: Place foot on gas.
Step 2: Look a speed limit sign.
Step 3: Keep foot on gas.
Step 4: Stop being a retard.
HOW TO NOT INTERRUPT SOMEONE WHO IS TALKING
Step 1: Check to see if someone else is talking.
Step 2: Don't interrupt them.
HOW TO CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED
Step 1: Place food in mouth.
Step 2: Look in mirror.
Step 3: Try to keep lips together while chewing.
Step 4: Reopen mouth once food has been swallowed.
Step 5: Repeat steps 1 through 4 for 30 days.
Step 6: After 30 days, try doing steps 1, 3, and 4 without step 2.
Step 7: Videotape your eating habits for one year and every time you see your mouth open, strike yourself in the scrotum with a ball-peen hammer. If no scrotal area is present, either forehead or kneecap will suffice.
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How to leave a comment on a blog (in six steps):
Step 1: Own a computer.
Step 2: Open the lid.
Step 3: Establish some sort of monetary relationship with an internet provider
Step 4: Take off those big-ass gloves.
Step 5: Open the browser.
Step 6: Type words into a box making the whole mechanics of tubes that is the internet spring to life transporting the electrons and such through magic adventures in pixel land
Step 7: The site you are looking for is temporarily down
Step 8:retry
Step 9: The DEA has removed the site you are looking for because it has sold many many drugs to children CHILDREN
Step 10: Contemplate the morality of the internet as a whole
Step 11: Since you're now hungry make a sandwich
Step 11a: Get some bread
Step 11b: Get some other stuff
Step 11c: Make a sandwich
Step 11c1: Put the stuff together
Step11c2: Put on a plate
Step 12: Eat sandwich
Step 13: Go back to computer
Step 14: Oh hell this is too complex
-David
Step 15: Put back on those big-ass gloves.
Step 16: Smash computer with said big-ass gloves.
Step 17: Sell sandwiches to aforementioned drug-addicted children children, gaining their trust.
Step 18: With help of children children, track down identity of owner of URL of said illegal website.
Step 19: Make citizen's arrest on URL owner.
Step 20: Buy criminal's URL from police auction.
Step 21: Make world a better place by changing newly aquired website to sell sandwiches instead of drugs to children children.
Step 22: You haven't eaten in days. Make another sandwich.
Step 23: As you are about to take a bite of that sandwich, glance at the TV which has been on in the background
Step 24: Understand that the news people are talking about a prison escape
Step 25: Slowly realize that the escapee is that guy from the URL
Step 26: HE'S OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
Step 27: Run
Step 28: Go to a police station
Step 29: Figure out that a cabal of sandwich shop owners, angry at the competition from your website, has bribed the police to kill you
Step 30: Punch your way out with your big ass gloves in the nick of time
Step 31: Car Chase
Step 32: Doomed Romance
Step 33: Explosion
Step 34: Find a child child who tells you that there is a website to solve problems such as yours (sandwichcorruptionandurlassassins.com) and that all you have to do is leave a comment on their blog
Step 35: Leave said comment.
Step 36: Give child child free sandwich for helping you.
Step 37: Try to remember steps for performing hymlick maneuver.
Step 38: Look up Heimlich in dictionary.
Step 39: Attend said child child's funeral.
Step 40: Cry
Step 41: Weep
Step 42: Wail
Step 43: Mourn
Step 44: Get over it.
Step 45: Discover that you have a fetish for watching people choke to death.
Step 46: Discover the wonders of Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Step 47: Accidentally kill self in most embarassing way imaginable.
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